


Into the Woods PARODY

by lusciousspike, SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, F/M, M/M, Parody, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 11:21:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5495315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lusciousspike/pseuds/lusciousspike, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Xander got Buffy to stop Riley a little faster?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Into the Woods PARODY

**Author's Note:**

> Authors Note: 1. It is not beta-ed. That's part of the point actually. It's a fun ficlet… the mistakes are deliberate, you'll see.   
> 2\. Italics represent our inside notes just to make things 'clear' for you. *lol*  
> 3\. ~ = character thoughts

  
  
“See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then Riley shows up,” Xander explained to Buffy trying to get her to see his point.  
  
"I know the story, Xander,” she said bored.   
  
~ God I know you know the story! What you think I'm just babbling that for no reason?! … Of course you thought that. All of you always think that. ~ Xander thought the last part sarcastically and not a little sulkily.   
  
"But you miss the point," he continued as if he hadn't had bitter thoughts. Why ruin the extraordinary speech? He rarely had good lines on the show--- uh in life, so he shouldn't ruin this one. "You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime."  
  
Buffy was starting to look dismayed.   
  
~ You should! ~ Xander thought. ~ You throw every nice guy away for those stupid vamps that only bring you pain! I'm not bitter! ~  
  
"He's never …"  
  
“Wait, wait," Buffy held a hand stopping Xander, "Xander, I know this speech is so emotional and it’s the best thing in this awful boring episode--- day I mean … but if I wanted to get to Riley on time I gotta run right now!"  
  
"But … but the best part is coming up next!"  
  
"And I don't want to miss it. So run after me and yell it at me."  
  
She started running. Xander groaned. "But it's not gonna be as emotional," he whined as he started running after her. Emotional or not, this damn speech was NOT going to waste!   
  
  
  
******  
  
  
  
Buffy kept running.  
  
"He never held back with you!" Xander yelled while running after Buffy.  
  
~ Such beautiful words, ~ Buffy thought but kept on running, she wondered how pretty her hair looked as she ran, too bad Xander was way behind she could've asked him. Nevertheless, Xander's power had always been his mouth, his words always found their way and reached their goal.   
  
"He's risked everything!" Xander yelled, took few breaths, "And you're about to let him fly!" taking more few breaths, "because you don't like ultimatums?!”  
  
Both friends kept running, and Buffy just realized that she didn't know where Riley's helicopter was. Oh well, she would find it eventually. She always did.  
  
Besides, it wasn't like this town was that big. She could run around till she found it. No biggie. She was the slayer after all. She frowned. But what was Xander if he could still keep up? She shrugged as she ran, multitasked that she was, guess he had really worked hard on that speech.  
  
  
  
******  
  
  
  
After too much waiting and looking around, Riley got inside the helicopter. She didn't need him. He wanted to be needed. That was the whole point of his hissy fit. He was not going to be a shadow for a vampire. He nodded firmly not wanting to go into the science of vampires living in night thus no sun and ultimately no real shadow.   
  
Graham raised an eyebrow at his unexplained nodding. He looked around, there wasn't something nod worthy anywhere. Riley ducked his head in embarrassment. Graham just chuckled and looked away with a roll of his eyes at his strange silent friend.   
  
Graham was so cute, if only he needed him, Riley would have given him his soul. ~ I have spent way too much time in Sunnydale to say that! ~ But it was true.   
  
Too bad Graham wasn't given a storyline on the show--- uh didn't have a bigger part in his life in Sunnydale. It was surprising how popular he was in slash fan fiction--- uh with the women soldiers in the Initiative base that liked to pair him up with every guy he met once--- even though he only showed up in like four or five scenes on the show--- uh even though he didn't have that much out door missions like Riley had in Sunnydale or interact with its citizens.  
  
 _Life imitating art is hard!_  
  
Sitting next to Graham, Riley looked at the sky as the helicopter got off the ground and started rising fast. Well, not really that fast if you were on the outside… it depended on your perspective.   
  
Graham looked ahead, his eyes unseeing, thinking about something Riley didn't know. For Graham was secretly in love with Xander. Even though he only saw him once and never talked to him and never heard anything about him, he was madly in love with him. The woman soldiers were right. Hopefully one day he would return to Sunnydale and snatch Xander from that sex-addicted money-loving too-sarcastic woman. Well, according to the fan fiction writers--- uh, the nice women in uniform, he had met her the same time he had fallen in love with Xander.   
  
Did anyone wonder why he rarely talked? No. Which was a good thing because he wasn't ready to hear what they think when he told them that he rather think about how Xander's eyes danced in the cheesy teen club lights than talk like a mindless drone.   
  
The door behind Riley wasn't closed, but Riley wasn't looking at it. Actually there wasn't any door there… which wasn't really very safe… he should bring that up when he reached his new base. Nevertheless, if he did look at that direction, he would have seen Buffy running.  
  
"Riley, Riley!" Buffy yelled at the top of her lungs.  
  
Sadly, Riley couldn't hear her voice because of the deafening sound the chopper's propeller was making. Buffy kept yelling but still, Riley couldn't hear. Strange for a man who was moaning over being wanted only a minute ago.  
  
Then Xander just caught up with Buffy, still yelling his magnificent speech. His glorified voice, that always made sure to deliver the words to their precise places, reached Riley's ears so easily.   
  
_Ever hear about the saying that says you hear what you want to hear?_  
  
Riley blinked as he heard a not so clear voice. _now, of course, Xander's voice wasn't that clear, we're trying to make the story realistic here_ At least the voice got all the words to the ear, no word missed, best delivery in the history if you take the chopper racket, Buffy's screeching and poor Xander's breathless lungs. _We're being objective. Or is that subjective?_  
  
"Guy … needs … you … "   
  
_Okay, maybe not all, but at least the voice managed to get some word across!_  
  
Riley frowned. ~ Needs? Did I hear 'needs'? ~ His heart pounded in his ears. _Not helping!_ He turned around to look in that direction, and saw Xander Harris in the distance running and yelling.  
  
"Love this guy … scary, messy, no-emotions barred need!"  
  
Riley's eyes grew wider with hope and joy. His smile grew along with his eyes. "He needs me," he exclaimed. And yes, there was the clasping of both hands against the chest. _True story here. We want to be accurate._  
  
Graham raised his eyebrow again.   
  
_Don't blame him, he just learned how to do it. Oh how do we know! Like he was in enough scenes for us to know him! Yep, enough with the life/art thing._  
  
He looked at Riley, confused. "What's wrong, man? Who needs you?"  
  
"Xander," Riley sighed dreamily.   
  
"WHAT?" Graham shrieked. "But Xander … he's …"  
  
"He's my lover," Riley spoke emotionally. Suddenly Riley threw himself out of the helicopter. _Yes, Riley's preceding events, isn't he? But isn't that what makes him endearing?_  
  
"Noooooo!" Graham screamed, and was about to jump after Riley but the helicopter hit the top of a mountain and there was a big explosion.  
  
 _We know! We didn't know there was a mountain in Sunnydale too!_  
  
Anyway, Riley kept falling down in a very dramatic way. As dramatic a falling for a guy his height.   
  
"I'm coming, Xander!" Riley yelled as he fell happily through the air and onto … a body?  
  
Xander froze when he saw Riley's body falling on Buffy's, squashing her tiny body into an undiscriminating squish of mass. Riley got up, eyes only focusing on Xander's shocked face. He got gleeful jolt inside. His lover was surprised of his athletic body surviving the fall.   
  
Xander pointed at the flat body of his best friend on the ground all bloody and messy. His tongue was unable to form words, which was a big sign of Xander-damage.   
  
Riley distracted him by taking him into his arms and kissing him so hard Xander saw stars or was that because of lack of breathing? After an hour the kiss finally ended.   
  
_The two took few seconds to catch their breaths from time to time so don't yell at us that they're human and that they needed to breath. Even though Xander was never as thankful for the gills he received on the swim teem._  
  
Xander, all thoughts about Buffy had been sucked out of his head, looked up at Riley with a dreamy sigh.  
  
"You're mine," Riley whispered finally feeling content.  
  
Xander pouted. "I don't think so."  
  
Riley's happiness turned into madness. "Because of Anya?!" he growled.  
  
"What? No," Xander waved the supposition off. "Who cares about Anya? I'm leaving her anyway standing her at the altar next year."  
  
Riley grimaced. "Not very original."  
  
Xander sighed. "I know. But there's no other solution."  
  
"So if it wasn't Anya, then why can't you be with me?"  
  
"Because you're normal, too normal. I only fall for demons, witches, ex-demons, future half demons … you get the idea?"  
  
Riley was very disappointed. He looked desperately at Xander. "I let vampires bite me, does that …?"  
  
"Close enough!" Xander exclaimed and pulled Riley's head down to kiss him.  
  
After the kiss ended, Riley looked seriously at Xander, "You have to break up with Anya before we do anything sweaty, Xander, because I'm a very nice guy that it annoys most my non-fans … and fans."  
  
Xander groaned. "Do I have to?" he whined.  
  
Riley gave him a disapproving look. "Now you know that's why there are anti-Xanders."  
  
"Because I'm selfish?"  
  
"No, because you're whiny and immature. Now get on with it!"  
  
  
  
  
******  
  
  
  
  
"I've gotta say something... 'cause... I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do... the way you think... the way you move... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man."  
  
Anya looked tearfully up at Xander. He gave a goofy grin. "I just wanted to say it."  
  
"Oh Xander," Anya whispered and rose on her tows to kiss him.   
  
Xander draw back raising his hands in alarm. "Whoa whoa, hey there, what are ya doing?"  
  
"I want to kiss you," Anya said, confused.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I'm moved by your wonderful speech."  
  
"But that's what it was, Anya, just a wonderful speech. I only said it because in the whole season this speech is my only moment to shine." Well, second but he was not going to tell her that. Besides, Buffy didn't get to hear his emotive tone.   
  
"Wha... what are you saying, Xander?"  
  
"Just a tip about me, Ahn. All these wonderful speeches I say to you are nothing but words. I only say this beautiful stuff to distract you from whatever is bothering me at the moment."  
  
"So… you…"  
  
"No, I don't love you, I don't care about you, and I was gonna leave you at the altar in front of everybody next year."  
  
"You didn't even propose to me!"  
  
"Was going to the next time the world was about to end… and you know that could be any day now… but since I'd miraculously live through it, human and all with barely a scratch… there was going to be awkwardness and me making up excuses… then the wedding actually is in progress. So of course I'm gonna have to leave you then." He nodded sadly.   
  
"Why?"  
  
"Hmmm guess something about turning into my father and all that crap… anyway, you should thank me because I did it right now and saved you the humiliation of spending all that time getting pretty then having it ruined. Now that wouldn't have been a pretty sight."  
  
"Xander, why are you like this? You're so cute, and you're always sweet and insecure and babble so prettily."  
  
"Never judge a book by its cover, babe." He patted her cheek because it went along with the babe thing. "Now bye, I'm off to have the sweaty parts with Riley. Hmmm I wonder what goes where…"  
  
  
  
  
******  
  
  
  
  
"And then he said the he's gonna leave me at the altar next year, can you believe that?"  
  
Spike nodded, bored.  
  
Anya sniffled. "Now say something nice about me."  
  
Spike was too bored to give a bored sigh. "Why am I always the one to listen to you whenever you and Droopy Boy have a problem?"  
  
"Because you want more fans."  
  
Spike chuckled. "Yeah, you're right. But now I have plenty of fans so I don't need to listen to you yappin' anymore."  
  
"But Spike!"  
  
"What the hell do you want?"  
  
"I want Xander to suffer. I want his penis attached to his head!"  
  
"Why do you always get graphic in your punishments?"  
  
"C'mon, Spike, comfort me!"  
  
"I don't comfort! I'm evil!"  
  
"Yeah, right! Spike you're the noblest of us all, well, except for Tara, especially in the love slash emotion thing. You've beat us at everything we're best at. You're braver than Buffy, more loyal than Xander, more supportive than Willow, wiser than Giles, more sarcastic than me and definitely whinier than Dawn. Spike, you're better than any of us, you're all good. No wonder you have lots of fans."  
  
Spike fumed with anger. "I'm evil! People like evil. You'll see, next year I'm gonna rape Buffy." He raised his chin in defiance.  
  
"No, you're not. She's gonna push you away before you even touch a boob. Besides I've seen the script, pay the Big Boss enough and he'll give up his adorable first born. You didn't even know what you're doing till *after* she pushed you off, you were too upset and in love with her to notice. Besides right after that, you'll run off to get a soul."  
  
"Then I'll…"  
  
"Spike, stop, you're losing fans."  
  
That stopped him. "Right, so, wanna hurt Harris?"  
  
"That's all I'm asking for." She tilted her head and smiled kindly.  
  
"You know what I do to make the sod lose his groopies? Just stand there looking hurt and pathetic while he attacks with his mouth."  
  
"God, he has such a strong mouth."  
  
"Stronger than any force in the bloody universe."  
  
"You know next year that mouth'll save the world," she said with raised eyebrows.   
  
_Yep, the scripts are open for all!_  
  
"That's not fair, I get to burn to save the world!"  
  
"I got to be sliced in half to save the damn world." They sat for few hours cursing Xander's damn luck.  
  
Spike placed his head on his hand. "So what to do?"   
  
"How about sleeping together?" Her eyes gleamed. Maybe she would get something out of this after all.  
  
"Figured." He rolled his eyes not a bit surprised.  
  
She clutched at his arm, shaking him. "C'mon, Spike, Xander is out there sleeping with Riley …"  
  
Spike pushed her and she fell on the dusty floor with a squeak. "Riley? Did you say Riley?" he asked gapingly.   
  
She got up and wiped her dusty bum before retaking her seat. "Yes…"  
  
Spike's lips thinned. "I'm in love with Xander."  
  
"You’re in love with Xander?” Anya repeated incredulous.  
  
Spike’s eyes widened in horror. "I'm in love with bloody Harris!"  
  
"How? You just said you hated him."  
  
"I didn't say that. When did I say that?"  
  
"How can you be in love with Xander when you're in love with Buffy?"  
  
Spike’s eyes suddenly had a gleeful twinkle. “I don’t have to pretend I like that bossy chit anymore!” He grinned widely.  
  
“What the hell are you blathering about?”  
  
“You dozy mare! I only fall in love with the lead male’s love interest to ruin his boring life.”  
  
Anya just stared at him.  
  
“Told you I’m evil.” Spike said proudly. The proud look didn’t last longer. “I’m also screwed. Always desperate for love, that love only goes to the wrong places. Fall for the ones who'd never love me back. Bloody hell, I’m so in love with Xander!”   
  
He wanted to feel Xander kicking him, yelling at him that he’s beneath him, making him feel like shit. Spike knew all that was going to happen, it almost happened every time they met. All of a sudden, he was very hard.   
  
_Now that's kinda sad. Oh well._  
  
“I have a strong urge to take off my shirt and bugger someone,” he said absentmindedly.  
  
Anya rolled her eyes. “Spike, you only take your shirt off to impress the female fans.”  
  
“And to shag!” Spike stressed, looking at her with yellow eyes. "Besides they make me take my shirt off. I hate the cold." He pouted.  
  
Anya gave a sly smile, and shifted next to him. “Well, *I* am interested,” she said all husky like and fluttered her lashes each blink taking five seconds each.  
  
Spike grimaced in disgust. “No, you are easy and not so loved. I only fall for those who are hard to get and who are loved by everyone. And hate my guts.” He shrugged. "That's a given with me evil and all."   
  
“But…”  
  
“I gotta go! Have to jump in on naked Xander-Riley sex… or just listen to their moans from outside the door.”   
  
“That’s so pathetic,” Anya said revolted but didn't stop trying to make herself look more sexually appealing to the plotting vampire.   
  
He continued ignoring her, "Does that mean I want Riley, too? He hates my guts 'cause I was after his bint… but now he's with Xander. And I want Xander… but Riley beat me around like Buffy did… I think I'll see who is less attainable of the two and go for him." He nodded excitedly.   
  
"Now that's really pathetic." She showed him her cleavage.  
  
Spike shrugged, straightened up and headed towards the crypt door. His duster fluttered behind him like dark wings even though there wasn't any wind and he wasn’t striding. He turned to look at Anya the moonlight from the open door shining behind him making him look ethereal. Anya looked on in awe.  
  
A trademark smirk for the drooling scorned horny soon to be demon again. “It gets me more fans, luv.” And he was off for yet another conquest.   
  
  
**The End…** _Bwahahhahahaaaa. You hate it? Good! You love it? You're even more demented than we are! *big grin*_


End file.
